Shadows and Regrets
by svu4life94
Summary: Based on the song by Yellowcard. Pre-season one, Shawn reflects on returning to Santa Barbara and growing up after years away.


So Psych has been one of my favorite shows since it premiered. Honestly, I've always been a little afraid to write any fanfiction for this show, because I just think it's so brilliant. But anyway, I've been re-watching the show over break, and this song sort of stood out to me. Just Shawn's thoughts right before season 1, when he first returns to Santa Barbara. Some details may be wrong and some I just made up. Any feedback is appreciated.

_I'm back, back in town_

_And everything has changed_

_I feel, feel let down_

_The faces stay the same__  
_

Santa Barbara. The place he was born. The place he had spent the first 18 years of his life. The place he grew up. His only true home. It had been over ten years since he'd last seen the city, and he was shocked by how different everything was. Where was once was the arcade where Shawn and Gus had wasted so many afternoons now stood a Starbucks. Their favorite park became a mall parking lot.

On the other hand, Shawn thought, so many people he had grown up with had stuck around. As he passed them, he noted how little they had changed. They were all still the same as their eighteen-year-old selves, just older and wearier. Annabelle Jones, his first crush, still beautiful, walked with three little children beside her. Chris Davidson, who had bullied Gus in second grade, trailed behind her in a suit. Who would've thought those two…

_I see, see shadows_

_Of who we used to be_

_When I drive, drive so slow_

_Through this memory_

As he continued on his motorcycle through the town, he passed the candy store he and Gus had loved as children. He and Gus had always rushed their after school on any day they had money to spend. He would immediately grab the first candies that entranced him, while Gus methodically went through the store, considering each option. Shawn would always mock this process, but Gus mostly ended up more satisfied with his choices than Shawn. He slowed down for a moment to reminisce, chuckling at the memories of his and Gus' hijinks. He was always surprised the elderly owner never banned them after all the pranks they had pulled on him.

___When we were only kids_

_And we were best of friends_

_And we hoped for the best_

_And let go of the rest_

There was the stadium where he and Gus had gone to a comic convention when they were thirteen. He distinctly remembered how embarrassed he had been with Gus' "Tap Man" costume. Yet when one of their classmates dared to make fun of Gus it, Shawn punched the kid in the face, which resulted in his and Gus' expulsion from the convention. That day was still one of Shawn's best.

Two blocks later he passed Douglas Key Elementary School. Back when they were kids, Shawn and Gus had partnered on every elementary school project. Despite knowing that Shawn would always bring down their grade, Gus still stuck with him every time. Even as his teachers and parents suggested he find a different partner, and different friends, Gus refused. Shawn could never forget that loyalty.

___I heard, heard myself_

_Say things I take back_

_If I could, could retell_

_And make these stories last_

He knew what landmark he would be passing next, and he briefly considered turning off the road to avoid it. But it seemed as though his bike had a mind of its own. His father's old home now stood feet in front of him, and Shawn stopped to look at it. He wondered who lived there now. What their life was like. If they were happy.

Last time he been here was graduation day. His father, whom he already despised for destroying his marriage, was once again berating him about his lack of future plans and the motorcycle he had just bought himself. Shawn simply looked his father in the eye and informed Henry that he hated him and would never forgive him. He could never forget the look in his father's eyes as he dispassionately tore the final thread of their relationship, no matter how hard he tried. He left that night without saying goodbye.

___I see, see shadows_

_Of who we'll always be_

_When I drive, drive these roads_

_That made our memories_

After that painful recollection, Shawn tried to remember the good times in that house. The days he spent playing with his mother as a kid. The times she had wiped away his tears and hugged him until everything was okay. The afternoons and nights spent in his room and backyard with Gus, doing anything from revealing their deepest secrets to discussing girls to watching the best, most classic movies the 80's had to offer. The bedroom where he discovered his love for Judd Nelson and Val Kilmer, fooled around with his first girlfriend, Amy Tenenbaum, in 9th grade, and swore on his seven-year-old life that he and Gus would be best friends forever. The living room where he and his dad used to watch football and he learned how to observe and deduce. His sanctuary, until it wasn't.

___When we were only kids_

_And we were best of friends_

_And we hoped for the best_

_And let go of the rest_

It took a lot of effort to tear his eyes away from his childhood home. As he passed Gus' old house, he started to think back to the first time he and Gus met. It was kindergarten, and Shawn was constantly in trouble for being loud, annoying, and never listening. Gus was the perfect five-year-old: smart, obedient, and a total teacher's pet. Ms. Linsky sat them next to each other in hopes of calming Shawn down. Within twenty minutes, they discovered a shared love of everything pop culture (that a five-year-old could get their hands on anyway) and became inseparable.

_The shadows and regrets_

_We let go of the rest__  
__Everything has changed_

_The faces stay the same_

_Everything has changed_

_The faces stay the same_

As he continued, he stopped by the field and forest where his and Gus' Junior Bobcat troupe used to meet. Although, thinking back, he didn't know if he, Gus, and Henry really counted as a troupe. And Henry's particular brand of competition and "life skills" wasn't exactly according to the manual. Still, he and Gus had a blast, even if they were sometimes brutally insulted or felt like they might be in mortal danger.  
_  
__When we were only kids_

_And our time couldn't end_

_And how tall did we stand_

_With the world in our hands_

Growing up, he felt he could do anything. He and Gus pretended to be superheroes, daredevils, cops, and every cultural icon imaginable. They thought they were invincible back then. Their hopes and dreams never needed to consider reality. They had done some stupid, reckless stuff in their time, and they always had fun. Back then, they didn't know pain or heartbreak. They still believed everything would work out in the end.

___And we were only kids_

_And we were best of friends_

_And we hoped for the best_

_And let go of the rest__  
__The shadows and regrets_

_We let go of the rest_

_The shadows and regrets_

_We let go of the rest_

In quick succession, he passed most of his other childhood and adolescent landmarks. The church where he briefly attended Sunday School. Libby and Liam Macentire's house, where he and Gus had both gotten their first kisses. The pier where he almost went on a date with his senior year crush, Abigail Lytar. The diner where Henry used to quiz him on his observational skills. The high school where he chased girls and escaped his parents' marital problems. The homes of various friends and enemies. The parking lot where Henry had arrested him. The fairgrounds where the Cinnamon Festival was held. The police station he used to dream of working in. The movie theater, the zoo, the aquarium, the middle school, the liquor store. It only made him realize how much he had missed Santa Barbara over the years. Finally, he reached his new apartment. He didn't know what this latest adventure would hold for him, but at least he was finally back where he belonged.


End file.
